


Even If Your Hope Has Burned With Time (You Will Be Fine)

by mukeiskindawonderful



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, But there's no reason because I can't even write college, Depressed Calum, Depression, Don't expect it to be good, Feminine Michael, I Don't Even Know, I was going to make it in college, It probably sucks, Like it's just mentioned, M/M, Michael wears skirts, Minor Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, So out of college, Some of this is based off of personal experience, Suicidal Thoughts, They're out of college, Triggers, also, and lipstick, fair warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:30:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5736718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mukeiskindawonderful/pseuds/mukeiskindawonderful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wanna have the same last dream again. The one where I wake up and I'm alive."</p><p>Calum is broken, and Michael hates when things break. He always gets the urge to fix them, and nothing can stop him. This case isn't any different, though he does realize that for Calum to be fixed, the boy himself has to want it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm the first to fall, and the last to know.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that the summary sucks. I can't really be bothered to write a new one because I'm way too tired to think right now.
> 
> Title comes from the song "The Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves.

Calum would never lie. Okay, that in itself was a lie, but he could promise that, when asked about Luke Hemmings, he would never lie about anything. Calum can admit that Luke and him were polar opposites, and would rather be on opposite hemispheres (or should he say, Hemmospheres. That wasn't funny).

For example, while Luke loved being able to watch the sun set, Calum would rather watch it rise. Luke was a night person, always falling asleep in the early hours of the morning, and sleeping until 2 or 3 the next day if it was possible. Calum, however, was a morning person. He would wake up at 5 in the morning just to watch the sun flicker through restless clouds, waking them up and turning them various shades of warm color.

Calum could tell you everything about Luke, where Luke was lucky to even remember Calum's birthday (he always remembered the small things, though). And although they were probably the worst there was for each other, they fit together, and they meant every 'I love you' that came out of their mouths. This, Calum didn't hesitate to believe.

Luke needed a little more convincing. He was always making sure Calum knew that he did, in fact, love him to pieces. Every time Calum would say he knew, Luke would ask if he was sure. Luke needed constant reassurance. While it would probably be annoying to anyone else, Calum understood Luke perfectly, and it was more than sweet of him. Luke made sure Calum knew exactly when various appointments were, and he made sure he got there in time. Though he forgot a lot of things, he remembered to turn the stove off (although he turned it back on 4 times more). He may have wasted electricity, but he always remembered to lock the door (efficiently, too, since he would do it 5 times exactly).

No one expected Calum to be the one to go crazy. No one expected Calum to be the one to be caught with one foot over the tallest bridge in the city. No one expected it to be Calum that fell off the edge (luckily, not literally). No one expected Luke to be the one breaking Calum's heart.


	2. I wanna be domestic, but who the fuck knows?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how this is gonna fly, but I've got another chapter ready and it sucks and doesn't even fully follow this I'm mad at myself.

Calum's breath hitched as he remembered standing on the bridge. He remembered the wind in his hair and feeling like he could finally be free. He remembered grinning as he stumbled, ready for a fall that was never to come. He gripped at his chest as the memories started flooding back, the hands on his shoulders, pulling him down. Luke holding Calum to his chest as he sobbed uncontrollably, knowing it was the last time Luke would ever hold him like that. 

He remembered being so adamant about dying, gripping onto the bridge, ready to climb over one more time. He remembered Luke dragging him to his car, all but throwing him in the backseat. He remembered being confined in the hospital, on suicide watch for days before finally being released again, as if he were some wild animal. He remembered Luke telling him goodbye one last time before he finally left for good.

He felt tears trickle down his cheeks, rubbing at them before laying down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, counting the tiles as if it would lure him to sleep. As always, it didn't quite work. He couldn't escape the loneliness clutching at his chest, throwing him into all sorts of puzzles and mazes. 

He sighed as he sat up again, realizing that trying to escape reality was futile. Knowing the only way to get even the slightest bit tired was to go out of his tiny apartment and see the world. he grabbed his jacket as quick as he could, making his way out the creaking door.

"Woah," a voice spoke out just as he started walking. "Someone actually lives there?"

Calum turned towards the stranger, eyes widening as he noticed the person across the hall, his door only opened a little bit, eyes wide. "Um, yea, I just moved in not too long ago. It's, uh, nice to meet you, I guess," Calum laughed slightly, smiling at the boy in front of him.

"You too," the boy had a tight smile on his face as he opened the door the rest of the way. Calum's eyes widened as he saw what the boy was wearing. It looked as if he was wearing just a normal white shirt but, as the door opened, Calum realized he was wearing a crop top with a light pink skater skirt. His feet were covered in girly socks, and his hair was the same shade of pink as his skirt. The smile on his face was a look that told Calum he was expecting to be judged.

"That, uh," Calum cleared his throat, biting his lip to avoid blurting out how good the boy looked in a skirt. It was almost weird how amazing he looked. Or was it she? Maybe they? Calum didn't like to judge. "I like your skirt."

The boy raised an eyebrow, looking unamused by the late comment that came out of Calum's mouth. "Listen," he sighed, putting a hand on his hips. "I may be a boy, but that doesn't mean I can't wear skirts, okay? I'm just as human as you, and if you're going to judge me for wearing sk-"

"No no!" Calum interrupted as fast as he could, smiling sheepishly as the boy stopped with a grim look on his face. "I'm not judging you. I just think your legs look really good in that skirt and I was trying not to let you know too much, but I did anyway because you thought I was judging you but I wasn't and I'm sorry for making you thi-"

"It's fine," the boy stuck out his hand hesitantly, and Calum recognized that stare. He recognized the hatred for touching others, not knowing where their hands have been. The slightly off stare, not quite wanting to look Calum in the eyes because then he would _know_. That was the thing though, he already knew.

"My name is Calum," he grinned linking his pinkie with the boy's, causing his eyes to pierce into Calum's, shock evident in his features. "You don't ever have to shake my hand, if you don't want to."

"Michael," the boy - Michael - said, shaking their pinkies lightly, careful not to touch any other part of Calum. "It's not everyday. Just, today I'm very... Wary, of who I touch, you know? It's not anything against you, it's just that I've got this disorder."

"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," Calum nodded to himself. "I know the one. My boyf- Ex-boyfriend, has it. He's got it severely, so he's got a lot of bad ticks and shit, but I understand. I don't personally know what it's like, but I understand it, you know? I've educated myself as much as I could."

"I'm glad that, this time, my neighbor isn't completely ignorant," Michael giggled, his hands over his mouth to cover the smile growing on his face. "Hey, I was about to go to the store, you wanna come with?"

"It's, like," Calum took out his phone, checking the time quickly before pocketing it again. "1 in the morning."

"I've got a routine," Michael shrugged. "I've only got thirty minutes, I could use the help, or else I won't get everything on my list. I'm already behind schedule as it is. There's a grocery store that's open 24 hours right down the road, we can even walk. What do you say?"

What else could Calum do but agree?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how I feel.


	3. I'm sad to say I hate myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This makes me sad.

_"Face it, Calum," Luke mumbled, sitting at the edge of the shared bed, counting the times he tapped his toes on the ground. "We're just not meant to be."_

_Calum felt like his lungs were collapsing, he couldn't breathe. Never in a million years did he think that Luke would break up with him. Who would have thought that Luke would break up with him? "Luke, you don't, you're not," Calum gasped, his hand coming over to clutch at his heart. "You're not serious?"_

_"I'm serious, Calum," Luke sighed, throwing his legs over the bed, laying on his side to look at his now exlover. "We're so different. You should be asleep right now, and I shouldn't. You should be waking up at the asscrack of dawn, I should be sleeping then. We're total opposites, we just don't match. I love you, Calum, I really do. It's just not working."_

_"How long have you been thinking this?" Calum gasped out, sobs making his body shudder. Luke tried to touch the boy's shoulder, but Calum wouldn't allow it. He shoved him away and stood up as fast as he could._  

_"You know I hate when you do that," Luke sighed, looking down to make sure his legs were even._

_"What does it matter anymore?" Calum scoffed, glaring at his ex as tears streamed down his face. "Just when I thought I was happy, you had to go and ruin it."_

_"If me breaking up with you is enough to kick your depression back into gear," Luke took Calum in his arms, even though he kept struggling. Luke wouldn't let go. He was in love with Calum, but this was for his own good. "Maybe you weren't happy in the first place. Maybe it was just a trick of the mind. I'm in love with you Calum, but we're both too broken to go on like this."_

"Calum."

Calum snapped out of it, looking at Michael who was standing in the doorway of his apartment. "Sorry, I was just lost in thought."

Michael nodded in understanding before smiling. "Thanks for bringing in the groceries. I would invite you in, but that's weird so uh. Goodnight!"

He closed the door, and Calum's smile fell. 

\------

Calum looked in the mirror, biting his lip as he silently judged himself. His shirt was off, his fingers picking at the excess skin on his hips. He didn't understand how just two hours ago he was shopping for groceries with Michael (who needed two of everything on his list, which meant that Calum needed to fork up some money for him, but that was fine), and now, he was seconds away from sobbing on the floor of his bathroom. 

He didn't understand how he could trick himself into believing he was alright when, in reality, he was way less than okay. He felt like he was going to be sick to his stomach, like the walls he had so desperately built after Luke carved out his heart were already caving in, and he had no idea how. He had no one to help him. No one seemed to care enough to start trusting him, no one seemed to have a shoulder he could cry on. No one seemed to like him.

He guessed that he was probably the most annoying person on Earth. Luke didn't want him, his parents never called him, Michael shut the door on him after he brought the groceries in. He didn't even know Michael well at all, but there had to be a reason that he already seemed to hate him.

He couldn't pretend anymore. Every night was spent drowning in puddles of his own tears, on the queen sized mattress, white sheets turning dark as they were drenched in tears. His breathing keeps getting shallower. Sometimes, he felt like he couldn't breathe at all.

He was stuck in a web of destruction. There was no way to escape the evil trap he stuck himself in. As he looked at his reflection, he noticed he was shaking like crazy. His eyes were red and puffy, there was nothing to mask the feelings he was having. He wasn't sure whether he was shaking because his shirt was off and there was a slight breeze coming from the windows that led to the city, or if it was because of the pure hatred he harbored for himself. 

He tugged a shirt back on, disgusted with himself, before walking his way back to his room, and burying himself in the covers. He was so sick of himself. He let tears fall from his eyes and onto the comforter, and that was the way he fell asleep; buried in the covers with tears dripping down the sides of his rosy cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel as if this is 100% shit.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an insight to why Calum feels so broken. Perhaps he's always been, but he never really noticed it until someone he truly thought he could trust finally left him.


End file.
